Сегодня 25 февраля 2020

Веселые истории из жизни футболистов

Никита ШМЕЛЕВ, «Футбольный клуб»

Большой футбол – это не только изнурительные тренировки, голы, очки, победы и поражения... Здесь многое, как в жизни. И, конечно же, имеется место для веселых розыгрышей и шуток. Для поддержания соответствующего настроения в День смеха «Футбольный клуб» предлагает несколько забавных случаев и баек. В том числе – и из нашего недалекого прошлого.


КАК КВАРЦЯНЫЙ ИЗОБРАЖАЛ МАТРОСОВА

Для каждой команды раздевалка – это святая святых. Попасть туда постороннему человеку практически невозможно. А ведь там, за плотно закрытыми дверями, порой разыгрываются события, не менее увлекательные, нежели на футбольном поле. И зачастую – чертовски смешные. Словно списанные из некогда популярного комедийного сериала о многострадальной команде «Газмяс». Или все наоборот – это его создатели заимствовали сюжеты из реальной футбольной жизни?

…Тренер луцкой «Волыни» Виталий Кварцяный никогда не лезет за словом в карман, порой превращая пресс-конференции в форменный театр одного актера. Но в тот раз он, пожалуй, превзошел самого себя.

«Представьте себе – установка на матч, – рассказывает игравший за луцкий клуб голкипер Всеволод Романенко. – Сидят 14 легионеров, среди которых восемь африканцев. И тут Кварцяный говорит: «Вы сегодня должны сражаться, как Александр Матросов». Понятное дело, что наши заграничные партнеры ни сном ни духом, кто такой Матросов. Тогда наставник начинает показывать! Командует Петру Кушлыку: «Иди за автоматом!»

Ассистент тренера берет швабру и ложится на пол. Кварцяный продолжает: «Ты фашист. Стреляй!». Кушлык начинает стрелять: «Трата-та-та-та-та-та», а Виталий Владимирович разгоняется и кидается на него, как на амбразуру дзота. Сцена еще та… А Кварцяный, как ни в чем ни бывало, встает и спрашивает: «Ну что, поняли, кто такой Матросов?»

МАЛОФЕЕВ И ПАВИАНЫ  

Частенько чудили во время установок на матчи и более известные наставники. Большим оригиналом, например, прослыл автор «искреннего футбола» Эдуард Малофеев, в разные годы возглавлявший минское и московское «Динамо», а также сборные СССР и Беларуси.  

«Эдуард Васильевич, бывало, и пел, и стихи читал, и чечетку бил, и даже притчи рассказывал, – поведал как-то защитник московского «Локомотива» и сборной Беларуси Cергей Гуренко. – Знаете, что поначалу для меня было самым сложным? Удержать хохот.

Правда, Малофеев и после матча такое мог отчебучить, что хоть стой, хоть падай. Когда мы Уэльсу важный матч проиграли, он внезапно сообщил: «Братцы, поздравляю!..» Все притихли, а тренер продолжил: «Допинг-контроль у них обязательно даст положительный результат, а, значит, нам присудят победу». Излагал с таким жаром, что многие поверили!

А еще навсегда в памяти осталась тренерская установка одного интересного дядьки, когда я в Гродно играл. Перед выходом на поле он напутствовал: «Звери, я открываю клетку! Ваша задача – откопать «бабки», которые зарыты в чужой штрафной».

Остается добавить эпизод с притчей про павианов – все-таки наступил Год обезьяны. «Идет по джунглям стадо павианов. Навстречу им тигр. Все павианы, соответственно, дрожат. Но один из них отделяется от стаи и бесстрашно бросается на тигра. Пошел на смерть. Причем верную. Но товарищи-то выжили… Так есть сегодня среди нас такие павианы?!» Датируется эта знаменитая речь Малофеева 1982 годом. Как раз в том сезоне минское «Динамо» сенсационно выиграло чемпионат СССР.

ЛЕМЕШКО И АССЕНИЗАТОР

Оригинальные наставления порой давал и знаменитый наставник Евгений Лемешко, под руководством которого в 1988 году «Металлист» выиграл Кубок СССР.

Главный свой перл Евгений Пилипович выдал после одного из крупных поражений харьковчан, когда команда на клубном автобусе ехала со стадиона на базу. Настроение у игроков никакое, в салоне тишина. Рядом у светофора останавливается ассенизаторская машина. И тут Лемешко выглядывает в окно и говорит шоферу грузовика: «Привет, коллега!» Тот удивленно: «В каком смысле?» – «Да в самом прямом: ты дерьмо везешь, и я – тоже».

Есть, правда, версия, согласно которой Лемешко обратился не к водителю ассенизаторской машины, а к рулевому клубного автобуса: дескать, вон, Саша, твой коллега едет. Ну а дальше – по тексту… В общем, суть не меняется. 

ХОХМЫ ГАСКОЙНА

Если вспомнить зарубежных футбольных шутников, то там вне конкуренции английский нападающий Пол Гаскойн. В бытность игроком он прославился не только благодаря мастерству, но и в связи с необузданным нравом и пристрастием к алкоголю, от которого страдает до сих пор.

Вот – подборка наиболее безобидных шуток и выходок Газзы. Своему темнокожему партнеру по «Ньюкаслу» Тони Каннингему он преподнес к дню рождения абонемент на посещение... солярия. «Просто для смеха» изрезал на мелкие полосы новенький дорогущий пиджак Денниса Уайза. Во время открытой тренировки сборной Англии на радость журналистам стянул трусы с Пола Инса, выставив на всеобщее обозрение ягодицы партнера. Своего верного собутыльника Джимми Гарднера по прозвищу «Пять животов» Гаскойн сначала познакомил с «потрясающе красивой девушкой», которая на поверку оказалась трансвеститом, а потом угостил пирожком с начинкой из кошачьего помета. Пострадал от Газзы и защитник Гордон Дьюри. Однажды выдумщик Газза подлил ему клея в бутсы, а в другой раз Пол запрятал в новенькой машине партнера пару свежих рыбин, которые спустя пару дней стали издавать такое зловоние, что Дьюри, так и не обнаружившему тайник, пришлось сменить автомобиль.

КАРТЫ НЕВЫСОКОГО НАПРЯЖЕНИЯ

Что ж, в изобретательности Гаскойну не откажешь, но, согласитесь, от иных его шуток дурно попахивает (а ведь рассказали мы о самых невинных шалостях Газзы). То ли дело изящные розыгрыши и остроты украинских футболистов. 

Помните смешную сценку из «Бриллиантовой руки», когда герой Юрия Никулина дарит «управдому» Нонне Мордюковой шкатулку с чертиком? Похожий сувенир с сюрпризом еще за три года до того, как Леонид Гайдай снял свой шедевр, преподнесли президенту федерации футбола СССР Николаю Ряшенцеву футболисты национальной сборной Виталий Хмельницкий и Слава Метревели.

Дело было в 1965-м. Советская команда возвращалась из турне по Южной Америке. Во время пересадки в Амстердаме форвард киевского «Динамо» зашел в магазин за «колой», а купил в итоге эротические карты с вмонтированной батарейкой. Фишка была в том, что человек, решивший развернуть колоду, получал удар током. Несильный, конечно, но эффект внезапности был потрясающим. Далее – монолог Хмельницкого:

«По пути в аэропорт посвящаю соседа по автобусу Славу Метревели в секрет карт и прошу подыграть мне. «Нет, вы поглядите, что себе молодой позволяет! Вместо того, чтобы книжки читать, он карты с голыми женщинами рассматривает. А ну отдай!» – нарочисто громко заявляет он. Мы начинаем «борьбу», и тут на шум подходит руководитель делегации Николай Ряшенцев.

Метревели отдает ему карты, а меня наш руководитель начинает стыдить: «Не ожидал, Виталий, что ты на такую дрянь польстишься». Кладет колоду в карман и уходит на свое место. Проходит пять минут, десять... Есть! Раздается испуганный вопль, а потом смех Ряшенцева: «Ну черти, придумают же...»

КТО ИГРАЛ С ФЕДОРОВЫМ?

Ну а динамовец поколения 1990-х Дмитрий Михайленко, которого за буйную шевелюру партнеры прозвали Зверем, однажды умудрился рассмешить даже Валерия Лобановского. «Эта история произошла во время тренировочного сбора, – вспоминает Михайленко, ныне возглавляющий «Днепр». – Атмосфера напряженнейшая, все очень серьезно: каждое утро взвешивание, контроль артериального давления… Будто мы в космонавты готовимся. И вот после одной из двусторонок, в конце которой Серега Федоров забил гол, Валерий Васильевич устроил разбор полетов: «Все нормально, самоотдачей доволен, но кто опекал Федорова? Последние минуты игры – нужно же более ответственно себя вести».

Ребята все устали чертовски – сидят молча. Лобановский повторяет вопрос: «Так кто там с Федоровым играл?». И тут я возьми да ляпни: «Как кто? Могильный и Буре». Повисшую в комнате тишину тут же оборвал дружный смех игроков. И даже Лобановский на сей раз не смог сохранить невозмутимость…»

АВТО В ЦЕНТРАЛЬНОМ КРУГЕ

Все СМИ, освещавшие чемпионат мира-2011 по биатлону, рассказывали, как в Ханты-Мансийске норвежские стреляющие лыжники разыграли россиянку Светлану Слепцову. Тарьей Бе и Эмиль Хегле Свендсен «угнали» машину главной неудачницы турнира, вернув ее как раз к тому моменту, когда девушка обнаружила пропажу. Скандинавы – не первые, кто решил задействовать в розыгрыше автомобиль. Смешную историю помнит российский футболист Александр Мостовой, долгое время выступавший в Испании:

«У нас в «Сельте» был массажист по имени Тита. Забавный старикан, который в силу возраста не всегда понимал, что делает. Ездил он на самой старой машине в Виго – еще довоенного года выпуска. На базу приезжал всегда первым и почему-то ставил свой допотопный драндулет на том месте, где паркуется начальство. Из-за этого ему постоянно попадало.

И вот однажды перед тренировкой ребята решили над Титой подшутить. Стащили у него ключи от машины, выгнали ее на поле и поставили в центральном круге. Выбегаем из раздевалки на тренировку – у всех шок. Посреди газона стоит автомобиль. Тут как раз Тита подходит. Видели бы его лицо в ту минуту! Я думал, старик досрочно богу душу отдаст...»

«ВАЙ-ВАЙ, ГДЭ МОЯ МАШИНА?»

А напоследок – розыгрыш из 1988 года, самого успешного в истории советского футбола. Действия развернулись на тренировочной базе в Сухуми, где к Играм в Сеуле готовилась олимпийская сборная, а «пострадавшим» стал Гела Кеташвили. Незадолго до этого тбилисский динамовец приобрел автомобиль «Волга». В те времена это был высший шик и, конечно же, Гела машиной очень гордился. Даже несмотря на то, что была она не новой, а ранее эксплуатировалась в такси. Этот факт и решили «обыграть» его партнеры Алексей Чередник и Владимир Лютый.

Однажды ночью игроки «Днепра» водрузили на крышу авто «шашечки», сбоку наклеили надпись «Такси дальнего следования», так что утром Гела свою любимицу… не узнал. «Я тогда чуть с ума не сошел! – смеялся позже грузинский футболист. – Кричу испуганно: «Вай, вай! Гдэ моя машина?» Смотрю, а понять ничего не могу – номера вроде те, а вот сам автомобиль…  Проскочила даже мысль о том, что мою «Волгу» обратно в такси решили забрать. Ребята хохотали несколько минут».

Кстати, вскоре Кеташвили вновь стал объектом насмешек партнеров – после финального матча Олимпийских игр, в котором советские футболисты встретились с бразильцами. Основное время того поединка завершилось вничью (1:1), а в первом дополнительном тайме Юрий Савичев после скидки Лютого вывел сборную СССР вперед. Когда же судья дал свисток на перерыв перед заключительной 15-минуткой, Кеташвили вдруг триумфально вскинул руки: «Все! Победа!!!»

Очевидно, сказалось чудовищное напряжение финального матча, вот футболист и потерялся во времени. И счастье Гелы, что сборная СССР тогда выиграла (счет так и остался 2:1), иначе в раздевалке после игры ему бы просто голову оторвали бы. Праздновать победу заранее – дурной знак, а спортсмены в большинстве своем люди суеверные. Впрочем, об этом как-нибудь в другой раз. 

1 апреля 2017 12:00







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